The top five LIES I was told about my baby.

Some time during pregnancy, you will understandably Google quite a bit and read up on afew topics to equip you with the knowledge to care for your baby. These are all genuine things I read, either online or in magazines or was told in person that are completely untrue...

1. "Wind isn't a big a deal as everybody thinks it is, if your baby falls asleep during a feed there is no need to wind him".

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks, putting my child down without winding him would result in the most horrific cry imaginable afew minutes later - and yes pet it is a big deal if your baby is howling with a tummy pain. 

2. "This way of holding your baby is guaranteed to stop crying every single time" 

Really that's interesting because I've been doing it for the last HOUR and my baby is still fucking purple! 

3. "Well at least you always know they're only ever crying for food sleep or nappy change" 

Oh is that true you childless oaf? Have you heard of colic, teething, separation anxiety or reflux? (To name afew!) Easy for you to say tucked up in bed at 4am while I attempt to soothe a baby for the 10th consecutive hour and Google adoption sites with my free hand. 

4. "Looking into their eyes is the best thing ever" 

Partially true. But when you're sneaking away from a cot and their eyes fly open let's face it you're a rabbit in headlights and they're Annie Oakley with a clean shot at you! 

5. "9/10 mums recommend them"

Ok granted this one is fairly generic but it's the most untrue of all! Companies that sell baby products are selfish lying bastards who want to make money. 

There are so many USELESS products out there and the ones that do work don't work for every child! We have tried EVERY teething product on the market (I shit you not - gels, liquids, powders, medicines, cloths, toys, rings, dummies, dummy rings, the lot!!) And nothing has worked for my son like other mums say it has for theirs. So either we have a bunch of lying mummies who are paid by the company to promote the product or every child is different and recommendations are all to be taken with a pinch of salt! 

Apologies for the swearing in this article but I needed a vent, infact I plan to be a lot more sweary in future so unfollow me now if it's a problem! 

Motherhood...the real deal.

I once saw a work colleague who had returned from maternity since I last saw her and asked her how motherhood was. "It's HARD work" she said "I love it, but it's hard work". I was a bit taken aback by this response, wasn't motherhood a joy? Why was she finding it hard? I wondered if there was some hidden circumstance I didn't know about. 

Of course, now I completely understand what she meant, she was simply being honest!! 

As children we play with dolls, presumably because of a subconscious need, even as toddlers to nurture someone smaller and less capable than ourselves. The beauty of this being dolls are silent, don't answer back and definitely sleep through the night! To the casual observer, motherhood can look like dolls play, cuddles and nursing and bottle feeding seem easy if you haven't got a precious bundle of your own. I can't count the sceptical looks I've had when telling tales of martins colic as he was always so calm and settled during the day! 

Yes I adore my child, I love his smiles and giggles and watching him grow. But it all comes as a price. I have to sing three songs to get a smile, tickle just the right spot to make him giggle and all the while washing, cleaning, cooking and trying to keep us all fed and clothed on an incredibly tight budget! There's also nappies to change, I'm vomited on daily, weed on occasionally and now have the joys of having my hair pulled every day! Making bottles is preceded by washing and sterilising, monitoring intake, worrying about said intake. In fact worrying about everything, spending hundreds on potions for wind and cradle cap shampoo and teething remedies. I once spent £11.40 on a colic remedy that we used once and didn't work! 

So it's expensive too, no mother would ever deprive their baby but did Fi-fi Trixabelle really grow up healthier because her parents could afford blankets hand knitted by blind Tibetan nuns? No. There is so substitute for your time affection and attention. Unbelievably there are so many products for sale that actually HARM babies, yet they are readily available for sale! So the amount of research you have to do on these things is unreal (thank god for google). I find myself pouring over constipation advice and baby led weaning tips at 3am when I really should be sleeping! 

It's not a decision to be taken lightly, motherhood is the toughest job you'll ever do, on the lowest pay of your life. 

But unbelievably worth it!! 

Coping with SPD

One particularly unremarkable day, when I was about 14 weeks pregnant, I started to climb the stairs and felt a weird twinge at the top of my thighs. It felt a lot like a pulled muscle. I couldn't for the life of me think what I'd done to pull a muscle there (except for the obvious of course!) so I shrugged it off but over the next few weeks it got worse and worse, especially at night when I tried to turn over. 

Naturally I turned to Dr Google - usually when I do this I'm diagnosed with some sort of terminal illness within a few minutes but this time it brought up something that fit my symptoms perfectly - SPD.

SPD is symphysis pubis dysfunction, now known as PGP (pelvic girdle pain) and you can look it up for the medical ins and outs but it causes a world of pain to pregnant ladies. I was actually amazed at how many people suffer from it when I went online to seek advice and having survived it all through my pregnancy here's my top tips for getting through it... 

1. REST 

I know, easy for me to say right? But seriously, lift NOTHING stop walking long distances, stop sitting with your legs crossed and take it easy. I did this and my pain got no worse until I was 28 weeks pregnant, that's 14 almost pain free weeks that are worth their weight in gold. Unfortunately once I hit this point I thought I was ok so started lifting and cleaning etc. again. BIG mistake my pain worsened faster than I thought possible and once it gets worse there is no going back my friends! I'd like to say that everyone will fuss round you and help you out but nobody understands SPD until they've had it - sorry but I'd rather be upfront with you now than have your bubble burst later down the line! 

2. SEE A PHYSIO 

This can be easier said than done. I saw the consultant who referred me to my gp who referred me to the midwife who referred me to nobody! Eventually I saw a different consultant who referred me to a physio within a week. I have incredibly bad luck but most people can be referred with just one phone call.

SPD DOES NOT GET BETTER ON ITS OWN. If you are suffering push until you get that referral.

The physio can sometimes help with some exercises but the most important piece of kit is the physio belt. This nifty piece of kit lifts the weight of your bump off your pelvis. Whilst not taking the pain completely it will possibly help you get round sainsburys on a Saturday afternoon. 

3. WEAR THE BELT

You can't wear the belt sitting down so I tended to only put it on for little trips to the shops where it would often fall off in the car. I hated putting it on in the car park for fear of looking daft but my husband would force me. Trust me, in the long run putting a big white ugly belt on under your dress in the car park is a small price to pay to be able to get down more than one aisle. 

4. USE PAIN RELIEF

Don't be afraid to take paracetamol, your GP can prescribe you other options if you're in real pain but I didn't take paracetamol as often as I should have. There's nothing wrong with taking pain relief if you need it, so don't be overly brave about it! 

Way further down the line, there are more serious options, crutches, wheelchairs and even induction if the pain is so severe. But if you take it easy from day one, the odds are you wont need to go down that path. You might feel bad not doing the housework but you'll be physically unable to do it if your pain gets worse! 

Summer Lovin?

Yesterday was the hottest day in England for around Nine Years and I seriously think every pregnant woman in the country should get a medal!

I know lots of us are suffering in the current heat so here’s my top five tips for staying cool...

1. Raid your holiday clothes.

If, like me, you keep your holiday clothes bundled away in a suitcase somewhere, it’s time to break them out. Obviously the majority won’t fit (goodbye denim hot-pants!) but you might find one or two items incredibly useful. Up to now I’d been living in black leggings but they are simply too hot to consider! In my holiday selection I found a long maxi skirt with a stretchy waistband, a couple of dresses with a bit of give and a lovely top that, although once floaty, was now just managing to accommodate my bump!

I’ve always resented spending money on maternity clothes because they don’t last very long, so the concept of now buying summer maternity clothes just didn’t sit well with me! But my holiday collection really has saved the day, in fact I’ve recently been told I’ve been dressing myself better since pregnant so it may be worth you giving it a go!

Seen here in Mexico - this dress can nicely accommodate my bump!

2. Shower whenever you bloody feel like it!

I’m averaging around three showers a day at the moment, but I really couldn’t care less!

On a morning after a sticky night’s sleep, of course I want to shower and when I get home it’s the first thing on my mind! (Even before what to eat for tea, which is a first!) But for me, the most important shower of the day is the one I’m taking right before bed. It’s so hot during the night If I don’t try and cool down beforehand I know I’ve got no chance! What I’ve started to do is wash my hair before bed and sleep with it wet (no mam, It won’t give me a cold!) which is keeping my head cool at least! (You could always plait it for the wavy look if your hair is longer)

3. Ditch the duvet.

Now of course I don’t NEED a duvet in these temperatures, but I LIKE to have it in case monsters eat my feet during the night! (Can you believe I’m going to be a mother?) So I’ve chucked the duvet off and replaced it with a flat sheet which is strangely cooling – there’s a reason they have them on the beds abroad you know!

4. Invest in a paddling pool.

Now if you’re brave you can full on sit in this in the garden but I’ve taken to dipping my feet in for a few hours after work (works wonders if you’ve got cankles!) It cost £2.99 from ASDA, combine it with a 30p ice pop and it’s happy days all round!

My Summer Office Essentials!

5. Let your employer know you’re uncomfortable.

For those of you in employment, this is probably the place where you suffer the most. Whilst there is no legal temperature that the office must be, your employer does have a duty to minimise any risk to your pregnancy, and this includes overheating. See how they can help, a fan by your desk, more regular breaks. My company even bought me an ice lolly yesterday but whatever you do, don’t suffer in silence!

5 maternity essentials you really can't do without!

Ever heard anybody tell you having a baby is expensive? They weren't kidding! And here's the funny bit - it all starts waaaay before the baby even makes an appearance!

There's so much information on the internet about what you need for hospital and baby's arrival but here's my guide for the top 5 must-haves during pregnancy.

1. A Maternity Bra

I was a DD before I even got pregnant and the very first thing to balloon were my melons; I'd gone from honeydew to watermelon in the space of weeks. After looking around at some very (pricey) bras I found a lovely two-pack at M&S for £30. At 7 months gone, I'm still wearing them and they really make me wonder why I've worn underwired bras for so long!! Super comfy and my boobs weren't down to my knees.

2. Skincare

The dreaded prancne. (Pregnancy Acne) Ladies I don't have the best skin in the world and lord knows I am prone to a breakout or two but nothing would prepare me for the breakouts pregnancy caused. Everyone is different so it's all about the products that work for you but make sure you stock up on something good. I swear by nip + fab face wash and use Clearasil to directly treat break outs on a night time. Investing in a glamglow face mask will also be worth its weight in gold. But please remember it is temporary, I got unnecessarily upset by my complexion, and later on in your pregnancy you will realise it was a silly thing to worry about.

3. Haircut

I don't think I was alone in feeling hideous when I first got pregnant, I was putting on weight without having an obvious bump, my skin was hideous and I just didn't feel my best. Not only will a new do perk you up massively (try and go somewhere that massages your scalp) but seriously consider a low maintenance do. My hair, now neatly bobbed, takes half the time to dry and during my first trimester I would rather have shaved my head than straightened it so it is well worth considering something easier if you have long straight hair.

4. Hand Cream

It's quite commonly known that pregnancy makes you pee. So telling you to stock up on the Andrex is a bit obvious but what do you do after the toilet? Wash your hands of course! My hands are now getting washed up to 20 (yes 20!!) times a day and as a result are as dry and sand, invest in a good hand cream and keep it in your bag or desk at work, you will thank me for it later!

5. A pillow. 

Getting comfortable in bed can be difficult as early as the first trimester. Especially if you used to sleep on your stomach like me. Placing a normal pillow under your bump will work for starters but it is worth investing in a proper pillow otherwise your poor fella has nowhere to sleep at night. I found the dreamgeni worked best for me, it has support at the front and back so you can turn over easily if needed and you can pop it between your legs too. They're around £50 in John Lewis. It mine was a tenner off eBay! If you've read my blog at all you know I don't like to pay full price for anything! 

So you're going to kill your husband...

 

I’m not a violent person, I’ve never punched anyone or been involved in a brawl. But lately I really feel like I could stick a knife into my husband without feeling a shred of guilt!

 

Cue horror film music!

Those of you who aren’t quite on the same wavelength as me might think the poor bloke has done something awful; potentially cheated, called me names or worse but actually he’s just being a man.

My biggest bug bear at the moment is that he hasn’t quit smoking. This has been a huge argument between us for some time, we both smoked when we met but I quit pretty early on and even though I used to enjoy the odd drunken cigarette, I would never consider having one during the day (or 20 for that matter!) Back when I used to smoke, cigarettes were approximately £4 for 20, my husband now spends up to £7 a day on cigarettes. Let me break that down for you:

 

£49 a Week

£196 a Month

£2352 a Year

 

But the biggest concern I have of course is his health. I am absolutely terrified of my husband going to an early grave, (Ironic, given that I now want to kill him!) he is my absolute life and I was convinced when we did have a baby he would give up without a minute’s thought. But sadly no and now every time I smell that awful stink on him I get so angry that he would expose his pregnant wife and unborn child to it.

 

But seriously, that’s about the only rational reason I’m angry.

 

I think my main problem is how I viewed pregnancy. In my head, I’d look as graceful as Kate Middleton, glow like the Mediterranean sun and my husband would wrap me up in cotton wool for 9 months.

Why don't I look like this?

I imagined him leaving the house at 2am for ice cream and pickles, cooking and cleaning while I lay on the sofa with a blanket and cuddling and kissing me every night with his hands placed on my swollen belly.

 

In reality, the house still needs cleaning, meals still need cooking and shopping still needs doing. And while I used to be able to cut grass and lift mop buckets I just can’t do it at the moment and it’s really frustrating.

 

So if you have any homicidal urges, put down the knife, loosen your grip on hubby’s throat and do the following:

 

1. Take some deep breaths and grab the tissues, once you’ve calmed down you’ll probably cry, and that’s okay!
2. Try and relax over the house, get a cleaner in if you can afford it, and don’t stress over it if you can’t.
3. Talk to your husband (again, grab tissues) explain how you’re feeling and see if there’s any way he can help – even if it’s just a cuddle.
4. Remember it will pass, and very soon you’ll have a bundle of joy in your arms that will make you forget you ever felt like this.

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