The top five LIES I was told about my baby.

Some time during pregnancy, you will understandably Google quite a bit and read up on afew topics to equip you with the knowledge to care for your baby. These are all genuine things I read, either online or in magazines or was told in person that are completely untrue...

1. "Wind isn't a big a deal as everybody thinks it is, if your baby falls asleep during a feed there is no need to wind him".

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks, putting my child down without winding him would result in the most horrific cry imaginable afew minutes later - and yes pet it is a big deal if your baby is howling with a tummy pain. 

2. "This way of holding your baby is guaranteed to stop crying every single time" 

Really that's interesting because I've been doing it for the last HOUR and my baby is still fucking purple! 

3. "Well at least you always know they're only ever crying for food sleep or nappy change" 

Oh is that true you childless oaf? Have you heard of colic, teething, separation anxiety or reflux? (To name afew!) Easy for you to say tucked up in bed at 4am while I attempt to soothe a baby for the 10th consecutive hour and Google adoption sites with my free hand. 

4. "Looking into their eyes is the best thing ever" 

Partially true. But when you're sneaking away from a cot and their eyes fly open let's face it you're a rabbit in headlights and they're Annie Oakley with a clean shot at you! 

5. "9/10 mums recommend them"

Ok granted this one is fairly generic but it's the most untrue of all! Companies that sell baby products are selfish lying bastards who want to make money. 

There are so many USELESS products out there and the ones that do work don't work for every child! We have tried EVERY teething product on the market (I shit you not - gels, liquids, powders, medicines, cloths, toys, rings, dummies, dummy rings, the lot!!) And nothing has worked for my son like other mums say it has for theirs. So either we have a bunch of lying mummies who are paid by the company to promote the product or every child is different and recommendations are all to be taken with a pinch of salt! 

Apologies for the swearing in this article but I needed a vent, infact I plan to be a lot more sweary in future so unfollow me now if it's a problem! 

Motherhood...the real deal.

I once saw a work colleague who had returned from maternity since I last saw her and asked her how motherhood was. "It's HARD work" she said "I love it, but it's hard work". I was a bit taken aback by this response, wasn't motherhood a joy? Why was she finding it hard? I wondered if there was some hidden circumstance I didn't know about. 

Of course, now I completely understand what she meant, she was simply being honest!! 

As children we play with dolls, presumably because of a subconscious need, even as toddlers to nurture someone smaller and less capable than ourselves. The beauty of this being dolls are silent, don't answer back and definitely sleep through the night! To the casual observer, motherhood can look like dolls play, cuddles and nursing and bottle feeding seem easy if you haven't got a precious bundle of your own. I can't count the sceptical looks I've had when telling tales of martins colic as he was always so calm and settled during the day! 

Yes I adore my child, I love his smiles and giggles and watching him grow. But it all comes as a price. I have to sing three songs to get a smile, tickle just the right spot to make him giggle and all the while washing, cleaning, cooking and trying to keep us all fed and clothed on an incredibly tight budget! There's also nappies to change, I'm vomited on daily, weed on occasionally and now have the joys of having my hair pulled every day! Making bottles is preceded by washing and sterilising, monitoring intake, worrying about said intake. In fact worrying about everything, spending hundreds on potions for wind and cradle cap shampoo and teething remedies. I once spent £11.40 on a colic remedy that we used once and didn't work! 

So it's expensive too, no mother would ever deprive their baby but did Fi-fi Trixabelle really grow up healthier because her parents could afford blankets hand knitted by blind Tibetan nuns? No. There is so substitute for your time affection and attention. Unbelievably there are so many products for sale that actually HARM babies, yet they are readily available for sale! So the amount of research you have to do on these things is unreal (thank god for google). I find myself pouring over constipation advice and baby led weaning tips at 3am when I really should be sleeping! 

It's not a decision to be taken lightly, motherhood is the toughest job you'll ever do, on the lowest pay of your life. 

But unbelievably worth it!!